Shame will fuck you in the ass if you allow it.
 
This was one of the hardest things for me to shift and also exactly what was holding me back. 
 
I know I’m a super kind, caring, direct, swears a lot, often hilarious guy that likes to get his ass out on mountains. 
 
But I had a shameful secret to hide that I thought didn’t matter, that i thought had nothing to do with how i felt, what i thought about myself, the choices and decisions i made. 
 
I had been a cheat and a liar most of my life.
 
Cheated on almost every girlfriend I had and continuinley lied about it.   
 
I tried to ignore it, actually I didn’t think it bothered me that much. Mistakes made, get over it and move on. 
 
Just another tactic that my mind used to keep it in the dark, keep me away from feeling any pain, discomfort and anything that meant confronting myself about myself, telling myself the truth. 
 
Hiding behind secrets and shame.
 
What does this have to do with you?
 
Well if you are carrying shame, which is likely if you are a human being, it holds your ass back, blocks creativity and expression, truth and keeps you in a constant state of suppressing in some way shape or form, you might not feel it all the time, mostly because it has just become your new normal, but it’s ALWAYS there in the background, influencing your thoughts and your feelings about who you are. 
 
And I’m not even talking about cheating shame.
 
That was MY shameful secret.
 
And no it doesn’t bother me one bit now, I made my peace with that a good while ago, even wrote a piece on it that I hoped would help people, which it did, i got a lot of messages and people wanting help with their own shit.
It’s a funny thing that every time i talk about something to do with shame, i seem to receive the most messages from people wanting help with their own shame stories.
 
People will hold themselves back with some shame story that afterwards often you can laugh and are almost embarrassed that that ‘thing’ was holding you back as it seems silly now it’s out and gone.
Which to you right now might seem crazy that you can laugh at your shame. But that’s only because you hold it so tightly and have this idea that if anyone found out then you’d fucking die.
You won’t and nobody really gives a shit as much as you do. You are holding an idea about yourself and defining your whole identity from an experience that doesn’t exist anymore apart from a story, thoughts and feelings that you are carrying around with you. You know that you don’t have to carry that shit around with you right?
You know that you can be completely free from that shame story and all the thoughts and feelings that come with it right?
What will happen when you do that?
You will stop holding yourself back, limiting your own growth, more honest self expression instead of suppressing yourself and hiding, fuller more meaningful relationships, feel like a big ass fucking boulder has been lifted from your back, that heaviness you carry everywhere you go goes away, you feel fucking free from another bullshit story that keeps you from fully living on purpose, give way less fucks about what people may think or say about you because you are not hiding behind shame and keeping yourself closed off, guarded and protecting that ‘thing’ that if anyone found out and even the very thought of someone finding out makes you feel fucking sick.,
 
Well yeah, when you’ve acknowledged it, accepted it, forgiven yourself and expressed/processed it and you don’t have the shame attached to the story anymore, you’ll be all like FUCK, that’s what was holding me back. I’ve seen this so many times now. 
It’s not always the ‘big’ things either, like mine was cheating and lying, but there is way more subtle ones that you can’t see. At some point you experienced someone making you feel wrong or bad and you have taken it on as shame.
Like something you did, said or behaved like as a child made you take on a story of you’re bad or wrong for whatever the thing was so you learn to suppress parts of yourself in order to be ‘good’, please other people, be liked by other people and not get rejected. That’s a big part of what is running the show deep down in your mind.
You’re playing to other peoples expectations of you, what and who you should be that is acceptable.
So anything that you’ve taken on as not being acceptable becomes inappropriate and unacceptable.
Instead of showing up for yourself unapologetically, unfiltered, fully expressed, no fucks given.
You are too busy hiding those parts of yourself that actually make you who you really are, hiding behind a wall of bullshit and lies to make other people feel comfortable.
 
This is something one of my old mentors used to say.
 
If you became super famous tomorrow, like global A list movie star famous and the media do that thing they do of digging up ALL of your shit, find your dirt.
 
Like they were going to find out EVERYTHING, even the things you think are under lock and key, sometimes even stuff that you have conveniently allowed yourself to ‘forget’.
 
Basically EVERY little thing you ever did or said, even (especially) if it’s only you that knows, would be on the front page of the national newspaper.
 
What is the story, or stories that you would be ashamed of, scared of people finding out, embarrassed about?
 
That’s a fucking good question and it will make you think HARD.
 
Some people will say nothing at all. Cough cough bullshit.
 
Some will not remember them.
 
Shame is deep and dense.
You won’t want to feel it and It can be a heavy ass rock to carry so you won’t even want to think about it, hence often ‘forgetting’.
Because when you think about it you’ll also feel it.
 
Mine didn’t come out until I was told that I had been cheated on myself, ouch, talk about karma right.
 
From my partner of nearly a decade, it felt brutal.
 
But the worst part, I couldn’t say what I had done, that I had done the same thing, I was SO fucking ashamed I couldn’t even voice the words.
 
But all of it, from all the cheating and all the lying over the years, it ALL consumed me all at once.
 
I got cracked open and all that shit came to the surface and it fucking sucked.
 
I didn’t know what it was at the time but I felt fucking ruined, depressed, so fucking disconnected from myself.
It was a full plate unloaded all at once.
 
Because I was hiding behind this shame and it stopped me from fully expressing myself and actually being myself fully. 
 
I had felt it brewing for a while but had no idea what it was. It was a blind spot, we all have blind spots. 
 
Yeah it takes some brutal honesty to open yourself up to things like resentment, anger, guilt and shame and often it only happens when we’re truly tired of our own bullshit and change looks and feels like the a much preferred option.
 
‘Don’t get too much attention, what if someone finds out and exposes you’
 
The feeling of death and fear would wash over you.
 
‘Fuck that, no one can ever know that shit about me. I would die if anyone knew’.
 
So what do you do?
 
You do what so many humans are great at.
 
You suppress.
 
You distract.
 
You divert attention away from that shit and onto pretty much anything else that brings an instant feeling of comfort.
You create a wall around it and adapt yourself accordingly to protection mode. Basically you are not being an honest full version of yourself, you are pretending to be something and only being a half assed, watered down, dimmed version of who you truly are and that my friend is un-fucking-acceptable.
 
But you like some Instant relief and gratification don’t you, you don’t like pain and discomfort do you/ (it’s a rhetorical question). 
 
You seek comfort in many different ways, addictions, social media, alcohol, porn, drugs, anger, always being so fucking busy to keep you distracted from yourself.
 
Shame = means something I am that’s bad and unacceptable, not something I did but I AM.
 
So if you have ‘bad’ parts of you that you hide through shame.
 
Then what else are you hiding behind to protect yourself from actually expressing who you are honestly and fully, to be seen and heard for who you really are.
 
Not some shamed version of you.
 
One that only shows certain parts of their spectrum from what will people think or say about me if they knew this.
 
Likely, people wouldn’t really give a shit, because people aren’t really thinking about you all that much because they’re too preoccupied with their own shit/stories. 
 
Just like you are.
 
You see, when you can actually shine a light on your own shame, acknowledge it, accept it and process it.
 
Aka go fucking shameless, you’ll feel different, you’ll feel like that heaviness has lifted.
 
The holding back because of the type of person you believe yourself to be, that you actually tell yourself you’re a piece of shit for that.
STOP BEING A CUNT TO YOURSELF.
It was so against what I believed and my morals, values . But I did it anyway, then I did it more so i wouldn’t make it ‘bad’, that it wasn’t a big deal. It’s ‘fine’, because if i stopped i’m admitting that i’m a bad person so best just to carry on right. Fucking humans, we are absolutely fucking mental. LOL 
 
It fucking destroyed me.
Made me numb, disconnected and suppressive. Feeling like half the person I knew I was, which was lively as fuck, very expressive, joyful, playful and didn’t really give a fuck, care free. 
 
So wether it’s shame of the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself.
 
Shame of your past.
 
Shame of someone once telling you that they didn’t like a certain part of you.
 
Something about you that didn’t fit for them.
 
Shaming you for being too much.
 
Too loud.
 
Talking too much.
 
For hurting their feelings.
 
For not being like them.
 
For standing out.
 
For having attention.
 
For not doing or being what they want you too.
 
It will hold you back, you will hold back parts of you that have been deemed ‘not ok’
 
Fuck
 
That
 
Shit
 
Sure, there’s likely some work to be done around that.
 
To deal with what’s already backed up in you.
 
Let that shit out, go shameless, yeah it can be heavy.
 
You’re a great avoider and pretender that it doesn’t effect you.
 
But you’re holding back.
 
And you know what happens when that shit gets purged out.
 
Mother fucking freedom baby.
 
Lightness and one less heavy fucking rock to carry around with you wherever you go.
 
Some food for thought when you’re getting frustrated with yourself and know you’re holding something back.
 
Now I get Tourette’s and can’t shut the fuck about this shit ?
 
It brings out more of your inappropriate parts, your unacceptable parts. (The fun, mischievous, more expressive, creative parts).
 
You know, the you can’t do that or say that, shhhhaaaaaaammmmme on you.
 
Fuck your shame.
 
Yeah it’s super important to own your shame and fucking deal with it, if you can even see it.
 
But if and when you decide to fuck that shit and purge your shame stories and shit about you that people found inappropriate and unacceptable.
 
You won’t hold back, you’ll show up giving less fucks genuinely, not like the ‘I don’t give a single FUCK what people think, but truthfully I do but I must protect myself’
 
I REALLY give a fuck, about very few things.
 
And I REALLY couldn’t give a fuck about a lot of things.
 
That way, all my energy and focus can go into what I truly give a fuck about and not what someone else thinks I should, have to care about/ give a fuck about.
 
No proving to anyone.
 
No more being a surface level ball bag anymore because you can’t go to your own depths and edges because of what is there waiting to greet you.
 
No hiding.
 
No taking on shame from others because you have your fuck you shame face on now.
 
No more turning down those absolutely awesome inappropriate, unacceptable, different, non clone type parts of you to please others.
Just 100% fully and unapologetically you. 
Funny thing about when you fully express and stop holding back.
 
Shit feels more effortless, open and you feel way more connected to who you really are and not some wanky version you’ve tried to become.
 
If you don’t find it difficult or challenging then you haven’t done it.