Continuing on from part one talking about shame and guilt, old patterns surfacing, how it shows up in every area of your life.
This part is more of what has been showing up for me personally the last week or so.
I was recently having a friends with benefits situation, ya know, you have sex with each other without the commitment of a relationship.
But after the last couple of meetings i started to feel different, i mean sex is fun and playful right, it absolutely should be that way.
Trying new things, being open and honest about what you like, what you don’t like.
How you like it, what you want to change, be different, it’s exciting.
Especially when it’s with someone is open, you can talk about desires, fantasies, that’s not always easy to talk about.
It’s easy to get offended and egos bruised if you say things like how you like certain parts of sex, a particular way you like oral, orgasm don’t orgasm, we all want to feel connected and satisfied during sex.
Sex should be completely fulfilling for all.
But it can feel awkward to talk about, there can be so much awkwardness around sex, there is also a lot of shame and guilt held around sex.
Now, this wasn’t the case in my situation, it was very open and not awkward at all, it was fun, playful, no strings, tried a lot of different things, curious.
However the last couple of times i felt different.
Almost a feeling of unfulfilled and i don’t like that shit, i’m all about deep, truly feeling fully fulfilled.
What it was was that i was avoiding the thing i wanted most, what i truly wanted and it wasn’t a no strings friend with benefits.
I started to feel empty and down after.
I was in a funk for a few days and then it was clear to me what to was.
I miss the intimacy and connection from a relationship.
Sex is great, sex is easy to ‘get’ but i was missing something.
Being with someone, it hit me hard, not feeling lonely or now i have to go and get into a relationship so i don’t feel that way coz that’s not a good reason to be in a relationship, people will often go into a relationship because they don’t like to be alone or they feel lonely and just want to be with someone.
Probably not the best reason to get into a relationship.
I think it’s a good idea to spend sometime on your own, in your own company, get to know yourself a little better.
It’s easy to just jump into something and end up being a people pleaser and abandoning yourself for the sake of a relationship. Losing your sense of who you are and become entangled.
But it’s more of a feeling of appreciation that i’m aware of what i want and now have to show up in a way that declares what I’m open for.
Not to settle for something that’s mediocre or to fill a void or stop me from feeling a certain way.
I’m good on my own, I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know myself a lot better after being in relationships for over 10 years and being single now for almost 2 years.
But I’m human, i want that DEEP intimacy and connection with someone like all humans do, I’ve been honest with myself about my shortcomings in past relationships which is uncomfortable to take an honest look at parts of yourself to change rather than blame, hold resentment, ignore the fact that we are all imperfect, we all have faults.
relationships are by far the biggest test for us, they bring out our insecurities, our fears, our vulnerabilities.
But what i feel now is that i’m good with all those things, I’m ok with expressing how i truly feel, i love the intimacy and honesty, i’ve accepted my own flaws and insecurities, my vulnerabilities and have high standards for myself in what i truly want from a relationship and I’m not willing to settle for anything less.
Which means being ok being on your own, waiting, being open.
This has been my most vulnerable area in the past, i have held back, i have lied, i have cheated, i have been disconnected, but i have also been an awesome partner too, I’ve also been cheated on, sat next to a partner and been looked in the eye and told ‘ i just don’t love you anymore’ when i was at a difficult time in my life struggling with leaving the military which tore me apart, attempted to be changed into what a partner wanted me to be which in turn would have meant abandoning who i was which is a big fucking no no for me. It’s working on those flaws, behaviours, vulnerabilities that have been the best work.
relationships have a habit of bringing all your shot to the surface.
Previously i didn’t have the awareness to understand myself at deeper levels.
keeping parts of myself held back, not wanting to expose myself as vulnerable, we have that fear of being rejected or judged.
That is not a good basis for a relationship.
As a man we don’t want to appear to be weak, we see being vulnerable as a weakness, we don’t show or talk about feelings, insecurities, emotions, it makes us a pussy if we do that, our partner won’t respect us if we do that, we risk rejection if we do that.
There is a societal pressure of ‘being a man’ that means we just get on with shit, toughen up, be a man, man up. We aren’t supposed to have or show emotions, we don’t cry, we don’t share feelings, it takes away our masculinity.
This is one of the reasons why men struggle so much, we are the man on the island, the lone wolf.
We don’t express but more likely numb and suppress.
Then your partner becomes disconnected and frustrated as connection is priority for her. She NEEDS that from you.
And you need that too, you’re a fucking human being, it’s how we work, denying that is just causing everyone unnecassary pain.
It;’s hard for men to ‘go there’ we have internal struggles and battles that people don’t see. On the outside everything can look and seem fine but inside we can feel overwhelmed with pressure, unexpressed feelings and emotions, it’s a battle that doesn’t get seen and it’s unnecassary.
It really does take balls to honestly express yourself.
I learnt the hard way, by NOT doing that, however, I’m grateful to myself that i took an honest look at myself and went through he discomfort, to improve as a man, no one taught me that shit, i didn’t have the best of role models in that area, i didn’t learn how to be a man in relationships, my programmes were not that helpful.
So i learnt as i went, form experience, from living it and learning from mistakes, getting real fucking honest with myself and going through all that unexpressed, back up, suppressed emotions, old programming and patterns that weren’t serving me anymore.
It can feel real uncomfortable but it is NECESSARY to grow and improve, have real connection.
and you’re gonna have to do shot that makes you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable so best just accept the fact now, there is not short cut or easier way.
But you’ll be thankful that you did and it will be totally worth it and it will reflect into every single area of your life not just you and your partner.
Everything is about relationships and connection, that’s what life is about. The deeper you go within yourself then the deeper more connected reltationships you’ll have with EVERYONE.
But most importantly, your relationship with yourself will be by far the best part of it all and that’s what we are really looking for.