It’s been an overwhelming week with this one.

Probably my most vulnerable area.

Old patterns and behaviours emerging that just don’t cut it anymore.

It’s uncomfortable but also an opportunity to change, that’s why they’ve been showing up for me of course.

Like, here you go, what you going to do about this.

I’ve previously been a cheater and a liar in all my past relationships apart from one which was my last.

I changed that pattern by karma, i was cheated on in my longest term relationship and it destroyed me, made me feel unworthy, not good enough, felt as if my manhood had been stripped away.

It brought to the surface years of shame and guilt all at once.

I struggled emotionally because how could i be angry or upset because i had done that exact same thing continuously.

It was probably my most difficult period emotionally, it cracked me wide open and brought waves of emotions that i needed to work through and heal.

It wasn’t pleasant AT ALL. But i did it, it’s easy to just try and push that shit back down, it’s easy to numb and distract.

As a man to feel that vulnerable, exposed, emotionally overwhelmed is a difficult place to be.

It felt like i was being torn apart.

Being honest, i was scared of what was coming up, luckily i had great mentors i was working with at the time and i learnt the tools to navigate my way through the shit storm that was surfacing inside.

The ugly crying, the heaviness of wave after wave after wave, healing and dealing with one thing then another is there waiting right behind, relentless as fuck.

But it got better, sitting with each emotional trauma that showed up shifted, i started to feel lighter, i started to gain more clarity and deeper understanding of myself.

I started to let go of the attachments emotionally, shame and guilt being the biggest ones.

The things about shame and guilt is that they hold you back. Shame is taken as something WE ARE, guilt as something we DID.

We don’t want anyone to know our shame, we are afraid of it, we take it as we are not a good person, we are undeserving.

If you take that feeling and carry it with you into your next relationship, in relation to money, in your business what do you think can happen?

You can sabotage yourself and keep yourself feeling stuck because you’re not a good person, you deserve the good things because of the shameful things you have done, you repeat the cycles of unworthiness.

Often you won’t go into it voluntarily, you might not even see it, it’s a blind spot, you’ve tucked it away in the dark so you don’t have to feel to but it’s always there until you shine a light on it, heal it, forgive yourself, express it and shift your attachment to it.

One of the best descriptions of this is an example one of my mentors once told me.

Imagine you’re super famous, as in movie star famous, you’re always in the papers, people know who you are.

Now imagine you wake up one morning and grab the paper, on the front page you read a story about yourself.

A story that you would never want anyone to know about you, your most shameful parts of you being shown to world, that makes you want to hide away and makes you feel sick.

Now, maybe you’re trying to imagine that and maybe you’re thinking you don’t have any. This is common as you don’t want to see it or feel it and we have this thing as humans where we can easily suppress feelings and emotions, especially guilt and shame, we can tuck them away out of sight.

here’s one example, I’ve witnessed this in a 40 year old woman carrying around shame for having an abortion when she was 18 and not telling anyone, now imagine your subconscious desperately trying to keep this hidden away so no-one finds out.

This woman was struggling in her business, to make decisions to change, grow, put herself out there more. Struggling.

Why?  Because she had a secret to keep, now go back to that newspaper scenario. Your subconscious which basically runs you, your behaviours, habits and decisions will be saying, fuck that, do not put yourself out there, do not receive attention, it will keep you hiding and holding yourself back in fear of ‘what i someone finds out, i would die if someone found this out, it would ruin me and my life would be over.

That’s how much we can internalise shame and how heavy the burden can feel.

Unexpressed shame is also one of the reasons why men take their own life, the shame is HARD to live with, it can get to such a strong point where it feels easier to check out than it is to heal and express the shame.

We fear so much being rejected and judged that we will do anything to avoid it being exposed.

It’s so fucking important to process this shit, it hides away in the dark parts of our minds, we will do anything to avoid it, to hide it but don’t often see how much it actually reflects in everything we do.

BUT, it’s NEVER as bad as we make it out to be in our own heads, the amount of times i’ve also helped people release and let go of shame and guilt, even when they KNOW how it causing them to hold back and hide.

Hide form progressing with their business, having deeper connections with their partners, they actually KNEW EXACTLY what they felt, they’d been holding onto it for over 10 years, they were so pissed off, angry and  frustrated with themselves because they could tell me EXACTLY how it was holding them back.

Now, this guys story in his head was, if i tell my wife this, my life will be over, she’ll leave me and take my kids, my business that I’ve worked so hard for will be finished and i’ll be rock bottom, starting completely over again and i’ll have nothing.

That’s what 10 years of building a story in your head will do and it will drive you insane.

So i told him, you know what you have to do, you have to go and tell your wife and accept whatever happens, because if you don’t you’ll never truly feel happy and fulfilled because you’re hiding and the worst part is you KNOW how it is effecting every area of your life.

So he did, he told her, we spoke after he told her and i asked what she said.

He looked disappointed and confused, he said it didn’t go as he expected, they had a conversation and she didn’t react the way he THOUGHT she would, she said that something that happened 10 years ago before they were married didn’t matter to her, what they had built together since then is what’s important.

He was so pissed off with himself for holding onto this secret and punishing himself, making life difficult for himself, holding himself back in fear for 10 YEARS because of a story in his head about what he thought would happen.

When really it just brought him and his wife even closer together, a stonier connection, he started showing up in his business more, was more happy, felt lighter.

Then we had a good laugh about it because that’s what tends to happen after you release shame, you see how its mostly what WE make it into, this big story that will ruin our life.

When we express it it heals and then we see how much we were making it such a big deal that the only thing to do is laugh at ourselves for the unnecessary pain we cause ourselves.

But it isn’t easy, it takes courage and vulnerability to do that and we have to be ok with accepting the consequences and taking responsibility for our choices and actions.

If you want more inner peace and true fulfilment, you have to face what feels most uncomfortable, but it’s only ever for a fleeting moment, rather that short term fear, vulnerability and discomfort than 10 years of self shaming and holding back and hiding.